resolutions 35.0

A year is about to end, a new one to begin. But this year I made my resolution earlier. Dec 15 was my new year. My new everything. The last few months of 2009 were a wakeup call, that the last few years I had let things around me fall to the wayside. It took coming face to face with what could have been a possibly terminal condition to turn my life around. I needed the silence. I needed something to grasp on to. I needed to find myself. As I lay on that biopsy table, I knew that it was up to me to change. I'm still working on it. But I'm trying to not be so overwhelmed. Determination is seeping back into me. Determination to finish school, to find love, to be happy, to lose weight --- to get back to who I used to be. The person I was meant to be. The person that I am.
The last few months my life has felt out of my control. My health took a serious turn, my relationship found a new rock bottom to hit, and my loved ones faced health conditions too. I was angry, scared and honestly ..... just angry. None of it seemed fair. But in hindsight -- it was. I had settled into a life that I didn't want. I got fairly good at pretending to be happy. I didn't care what I looked like. Hate was winning, disapointment became second nature, depression was my armor. And I forgot who I was.
I lost love and happiness and woke up one day with a tumor in my breast.
Funny how something like that I can prioritize things.
I started remembering who I was. And I liked who I used to be.
I learned what it's like to miss something you never thought you would lose.
I rediscovered how stressful studying can be. But how good it feels to learn something new
I try.
I held someone's hand.
And it's okay to cry.
You have to try something new everyday
I'm still very hesitant about my heart. Maybe it because my breast is still tender.
I worked out for the first time today.
I said goodbye to a mentor.
I laugh more now.
I'm less angry.
I'm breathing.

the only thing more earthshattering than a broken heart is learning to fall in love again. it's not like riding a bicycle. you don't just jump back on the seat and take off down the street. there's a hesitancy, doubt, and lingering images of despair that stay with you. but at the same time you feel free and unhurried. it's more like standing on a cliff, i guess, and I'm not that big on heights. I'm afraid of heights only because the ground is kinda hard. I'm afraid to try new things, even when I'm doing them. love is alot like that. it can kick you in the ass and it can hold you in it's arms. both at the same time. love scares the shit out of me because it has such variable definitions. being in love with someone doesn't scare me as much. i believe in fairy tales and white horses and little picket fences with gardens. i believe in love. i believe that heartaches can stop your world as much as falling in love can. each takes away and adds something to who you are. the hardest part is figuring out which one you are really doing.
maybe all you need is that hand on your back as you take off the street totally sure of which direction to take

my christmas list

1. a new IPOD
2. the new book by sarah walters
3. super mario brothers for the WII
4. a personal trainer
5. a spa day
6. forgiveness
7. a full heart
8. a new puppy
9. an ice cream sundae
10. a happy ever after
11. a reese's peanut butter cup

the art of a good nap

Napping is not as easy it looks there is an art to it. You have to get it just right or doesn't make sense to do it. It's a light doze not a heavy sleep.

I believe the nap is one of the greatest things a body can do. it's refreshing and you wake up feeling revitazlied.

I prefer the cold side of the pillow when I nap. Curled up with my yellow blanket. Pulse rate and breathing slowly coming down as i drift off.

I don't sleep very deep when I nap, but just light enough to hear the sounds around me but feel comfortable.

I wish I could nap everyday.

severe thunderstorm alert

i love the sound of rain on my windows. but i can't drive in the rain without a panic attack setting in.
nothing is more sensual and erotic than the sound of rain. raindrops on the window make me long to be in someone's arms. feeling the heat that is echoed by the lightening outside. i love the shadows lightening makes on the walls as thunder echoes its presence. the silence between thunder strikes runs parallel to a heartbeat. with the lightening striking just when you can't hold your breath anymore. when you are just about to explode --- the lightening flashes and the thunder rolls across you. even sirens sound different in a thunderstorm -- piercing through the blackened sky, screaming for attention and emergency. notice me it pleads. i can help you get through this is i can just reach you.
and then it's over. except for the puddles and the leaves on the ground. and a calmness creeps back over the destruction left in the storm's path

.... except if I'm driving. them my hands are clenched. and my breathing is fast. and i just want to get home to where it's safe.