resolutions 35.0

A year is about to end, a new one to begin. But this year I made my resolution earlier. Dec 15 was my new year. My new everything. The last few months of 2009 were a wakeup call, that the last few years I had let things around me fall to the wayside. It took coming face to face with what could have been a possibly terminal condition to turn my life around. I needed the silence. I needed something to grasp on to. I needed to find myself. As I lay on that biopsy table, I knew that it was up to me to change. I'm still working on it. But I'm trying to not be so overwhelmed. Determination is seeping back into me. Determination to finish school, to find love, to be happy, to lose weight --- to get back to who I used to be. The person I was meant to be. The person that I am.
The last few months my life has felt out of my control. My health took a serious turn, my relationship found a new rock bottom to hit, and my loved ones faced health conditions too. I was angry, scared and honestly ..... just angry. None of it seemed fair. But in hindsight -- it was. I had settled into a life that I didn't want. I got fairly good at pretending to be happy. I didn't care what I looked like. Hate was winning, disapointment became second nature, depression was my armor. And I forgot who I was.
I lost love and happiness and woke up one day with a tumor in my breast.
Funny how something like that I can prioritize things.
I started remembering who I was. And I liked who I used to be.
I learned what it's like to miss something you never thought you would lose.
I rediscovered how stressful studying can be. But how good it feels to learn something new
I try.
I held someone's hand.
And it's okay to cry.
You have to try something new everyday
I'm still very hesitant about my heart. Maybe it because my breast is still tender.
I worked out for the first time today.
I said goodbye to a mentor.
I laugh more now.
I'm less angry.
I'm breathing.